Fantasy Culinary Olympics

9 Aug

I have Olympic Fever.


I watched the entire opening ceremony last night and was mesmerized by the sheer scope of the production, masterfully executed by the Chinese. Well, what do you expect? We all know that the Chinese was going to “put on the dog,” for lack of a better expression. This is their chance to show the world “hey, we can host this event and show all of you that we aren’t such bad guys after all.” I heard that about 300 million dollars was spent on this massive PR event, and it showed. Pageantry on such a huge scale, while at the same time attending to the smallest of detail is the forte of the Chinese. And, they did it well; from the costumes, to the lighting of the stadium, to the tiny hand gestures of the dancers.

Well not to be undone, the Culinary world has its own Olympics. These Olympics take place every four years and features chefs from all around the world. Every skill is challenged, from presenting hot foods cold, to appetizers presented artfully, butter and tallow sculptures, practical cookery and the like. A website for an Italian culinary school has a listing for all of the categories showcased  in this year’s Olympics held in Germany.  I have a fantasy, however. Based on my many years of working in the industry, here is my idea of a real culinary Olympics. Here are some of the categories I would have if I were Queen of the universe:

Surly Customer Toss

This would involve a customer making the life of the chef miserable with comments about either the mushroom consommé not having any meat in it,  a dish having “too many flavors,” or some other ridiculous comment made at 8:30 on a Saturday night. It would involve how fast the chef can eject said customer out of the establishment. Any manner of ejection is used from asking the customer to politely leave, to an expletive laden tirade causing the customer to eject himself , to the full bum’s rush. Point system for this event would include precision of the toss and how well the chef was able to resume work afterwards.

Foodie Boxing

This event would take a pompous, self declared gastronomic “expert”, and pit them against an overworked, surly chef in an event where they would be required to beat each other into submission. Three chefs would act as the judging panel. The foodies would be required to answer questions that would show that they have a full grasp of how a real kitchen works, and not the ones they see on television. A correct answer would give the foodie one point, but every wrong answer would result in a chef beatdown. The foodie would win if he/she survives past three points. The chef would win releasing of pent-up anger and frustration.

Drunken Owner Race

This would involve observing owners at the end of their financial rope in their natural environment, and placing wagers on how soon in the day they start drinking. Points are awarded if the owner attempts to disguise his drink. For example, pouring a beer over ice, garnishing it with a lemon and calling it “Iced tea”, or just putting the libation in a mug and disguising it as coffee. Owner is disqualified if he/she uses cliches  like ” breakfast of champions” or, “It’s five o’clock somewhere.”

I can’t think of any other games I would have, but maybe you can. I would love to hear from you, just add any additional events you can think of based on your experiences as either a worker in the hospitality, customer service industry, or as a diner. If I think of any more, I’ll add them.

2 Responses to “Fantasy Culinary Olympics”

  1. John Tip Carter August 11, 2008 at 5:54 pm #

    I love it! This is a great idea! I am going to think of some ideas and send them to you. Awsome!


  2. culinarychick August 11, 2008 at 7:27 pm #

    Why thank you,sir!

    If you or any of your colleagues can think of some exiting events they would have if they ruled the world, send them in!

    The Culinary Chick

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