Gastronomic Monstrosity #9: Cadbury Eggs

9 Apr

You know, I am a tolerant and open-minded kind of gal. When I think of Easter candy, I remember my Aunt Gloria. She worked at a Baltimore institution, Naron Candy Factory on South Monroe here in Baltimore. We lived in a duplex, she in the lower half with us upstairs.  My fondest memories of her are her arriving home in her chocolate-stained blue uniform with the white collar, and bringing my sister and I home freshly-made peanut butter eggs.  That was a golden time in my life; one I won’t soon forget.

Fast forward a few years later. I remember sitting in my kitchen as a teenager and seeing this horror on television. Someone had the absolute temerity to invent a candy that looked like a coddled egg inside a chocolate shell.

I almost threw up at the thought. Ugh!

What??

What??

I sat there and imagined the pitch to the R&D department at Cadbury that day. I’ll call the pitchman Ed for conversation’s sake. I am operating on the theory that Ed, like me,  was likely stoned out of his gourd and just may be one of the stupidest guys in history that had a freaky-deaky stroke of luck, or an idiot savant.

Ed at pitch meeting:  Dudes! I was home smoking a bowl and I came up with a crazy idea. I love candy and I love eggs; do you think  we could combine the two?

R&D guys: Ed, you have got to stop coming to work high; that has  to be the most ridiculous idea you have pitched in years.

Ed: Well…what about Candy corn, Boston baked bean candy,  Cotton candy and Marshmallow Peeps???  Explain that!

R&D guys: You’ve got a point there

Ed: All those candies are now classics, so why can’t we come up with something like that?

R&D guys: Hmmmm…..

So, in my marijuana haze, curiosity got the best of me and so I marched around to the Rite-Aid and bought one. After all, it couldn’t look like a soft egg. Right?

I got home and opened up the wrapper. Inside the wrapper emerged a thing of beauty. The  chocolate brown shell was perfect in its dimensions, just like a real egg.  I looked at it for a minute, then decided to cut it open. I grabbed a plate from the drainboard, and reached for a knife.  Placing the egg on the plate, I took the tip of the knife and pierced the shell of the egg. I was not mentally prepared what happened next.

The tip of the knife slid  into the shell, and the egg broke in half. Pieces of chocolate fell in the contents of the egg as the yellow and white mass slowly oozed out from its confines. It sent shivers down my spine as my mind comprehended the horror before me. I couldn’t imagine  who on God’s green earth would eat this, I thought to myself. It skeeved me out so badly that I threw the whole thing out, plate and all.

I still get the heeby-jeebies just thinking about it. You all can have this one;  I can’t do it.

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One Response to “Gastronomic Monstrosity #9: Cadbury Eggs”

  1. gatf June 17, 2009 at 6:31 am #

    Actually, they’re really nice-so long as you don’t mind super sweet fondant centres!

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