Bread, can we still be friends?

7 Jun

Dear Bread,

How have you been? I’m hoping you  are well.  I know I’ve been distant lately, and after reading this letter, I hope you understand why.  I hope it won’t upset you, I’ve realized over our break these past two week s that I can no longer see you.

Our relationship over the 15 months or so have frankly been rough for me; you were there, so you already know what I’m talking about.  I’ve tried you whole-grain and no-grain, french and Italian-style, tandoori and tortilla, and even pitas and it’s all come down to the same sad conclusion: I cannot digest you, and you know it.

Is this some post-Atkins craze excuse? No, and you know this. You know I defended you against all these low-carb freaks that insisted I use lettuce instead of you to make wraps, while all the while those fake protests against eating french fries dissipated into the ether as plate after Atkins-friendly plate came back void of all french fries I placed next to those sandwiches.  I just smirked to myself and knew that like all diet crazes, that this too shall pass.

Had I known that my enjoyment of you would turn into a Faustian nightmare, I would’ve made the transition earlier.

Am I allergic to gluten? No, I don’t have Celiac disease. What is or has happened to us is simple. I eat too much of you; and, let’s just say I , oh fuck it: Bread, I can’t poop after eating you!

There, I’ve said it.

I just can’t go to the bathroom after eating you in any form. And frankly, I’d rather poop than have a sandwich. I just want to know if we can still be friends. Well, can we?

I want to know if I can still touch you ( through the plastic wrapper, of course). Do I have permission smell the  heady aroma of a properly baked loaf of rye as it comes out the oven. Can I  vicariously enjoy the sweet, earthy scent of cinnamon when you appear as raisin bread. Or, when you show up as one of those artisinal types, can I still marvel at the visual richness of your crumb or smile when I see you as a chewy, crater filled ciabatta?

Will you let me love you from afar? I hope so, because this is the only way we can continue.  I hope you understand. Can we still be friends? Let me know.

xxoo,

Culinary Chick




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2 Responses to “Bread, can we still be friends?”

  1. Dianne June 9, 2009 at 11:15 pm #

    Brilliant!

    • culinarychick June 11, 2009 at 3:06 am #

      Thanks Mama! I’m glad you liked it.
      I had to do it; eating bread was WRECKING me.

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