Dear Bread,
How have you been? I’m hoping you are well. I know I’ve been distant lately, and after reading this letter, I hope you understand why. I hope it won’t upset you, I’ve realized over our break these past two week s that I can no longer see you.
Our relationship over the 15 months or so have frankly been rough for me; you were there, so you already know what I’m talking about. I’ve tried you whole-grain and no-grain, french and Italian-style, tandoori and tortilla, and even pitas and it’s all come down to the same sad conclusion: I cannot digest you, and you know it.
Is this some post-Atkins craze excuse? No, and you know this. You know I defended you against all these low-carb freaks that insisted I use lettuce instead of you to make wraps, while all the while those fake protests against eating french fries dissipated into the ether as plate after Atkins-friendly plate came back void of all french fries I placed next to those sandwiches. I just smirked to myself and knew that like all diet crazes, that this too shall pass.
Had I known that my enjoyment of you would turn into a Faustian nightmare, I would’ve made the transition earlier.
Am I allergic to gluten? No, I don’t have Celiac disease. What is or has happened to us is simple. I eat too much of you; and, let’s just say I , oh fuck it: Bread, I can’t poop after eating you!
There, I’ve said it.
I just can’t go to the bathroom after eating you in any form. And frankly, I’d rather poop than have a sandwich. I just want to know if we can still be friends. Well, can we?
I want to know if I can still touch you ( through the plastic wrapper, of course). Do I have permission smell the heady aroma of a properly baked loaf of rye as it comes out the oven. Can I vicariously enjoy the sweet, earthy scent of cinnamon when you appear as raisin bread. Or, when you show up as one of those artisinal types, can I still marvel at the visual richness of your crumb or smile when I see you as a chewy, crater filled ciabatta?
Will you let me love you from afar? I hope so, because this is the only way we can continue. I hope you understand. Can we still be friends? Let me know.
xxoo,
Culinary Chick
Tags: appetizers, bread, breakfast, commentary, Culinary chick, food, healthy, lunch, shenanigans, vegetarian
The laptop is dead. Long live the desktop!
20 JunOh Hells Mutha-Shagging Bells!
Well Kids, a girl will try her damndest to keep this blog a rolling; but postings may get to be once or twice a week.
( Oh shut up! I know it’s like that already).
All of my photo software is on that damn thing, and my desktop “Mable” is too full of other stuff for me to chance loading other stuff on it.
I’ll figure something out; hang in there with me!
Tags: commentary, Culinary chick, shenanigans, WTF?